Selfish Mommy

"I did it all, including giving birth to Sondra at 21 and Denise at 25,

while graduating from Hillman College and going to law school, 

then becoming a successful attorney, raising three more children, 

dancing with Debbie Allen, and loving my husband 

who performs medical examinations in the basement."

Part of me wants to burn down all of the projects I'm working on and start a new one called Selfish Mommy, where I tell mothers via audio, video, blog, book, online, and in person that I give you permission to make time for yourself.

That's essentially what I'm doing here on I Have A Dream Board, but the message is for busy women in general, whether you have decided to raise children or not.

Women in general need to shut out all the noise and think about what is right for them.

Mothers in particular have crazy nonsense hurled at them all the time.

I thought it would stop by the time I became a mother. It is 2017, after all. But now it's worse.

The last straw on the camel's back came for me last week.




I was listening to a podcast, as usual, and one of the hosts was talking about her new method of birth control.

Since she and her husband did not want to have any more children, they decided he would get a vasectomy.

However, she was the one who decided to schedule it.

She spent hours over multiple days speaking with various people trying to schedule her husband's vasectomy, and--as of the podcast recording--she still had not reached the right person.

So she plans to continue calling people to schedule the appointment for her husband vasectomy, because it's still not done.

This woman has a job.

She is also the primary caregiver for multiple children, including a baby.

She also records a successful podcast on a regular basis.

But she has to schedule HER HUSBAND'S vasectomy?

Secretary Clinton cannot even.

I had to stop myself from sending her message stating the following:

Is this your penis?

Are these your testicles?

Then tell your husband to SCHEDULE HIS OWN VASECTOMY!

Michelle Obama cannot even.

Back to women in general.

In the United States, women have outpaced men in higher education for years, maybe decades. But women still don't earn as much, on average, as their male counterparts, even if they are performing the same job.

Regardless of whether you live in a one-parent household, a two-parent household, a multigenerational household, or some form of blended family, often multiple adults must work to support that household.

Yet if there is a mother in that home, she is expected to do it all.

If a mother doesn't work--or more precisely, if she does not have her own income or independent wealth--then she is risking her career trajectory, her own financial security, and the safety of herself and her children.

If a mother works outside of the home, then she often receives a barrage of questions about who is taking care of her children, even if those children are old enough to go to school and take care of themselves.

If a mother works in the home, then it is often presumed that she should have the time, the energy, and the inclination to do all of the household chores because she is at home anyway.

There is no way to win Mother of the Year.

You could save your daughter from a sea lion while delivering your own kidney to your hospitalized son, and someone will still ask you if you had dinner on the table by 6:00 pm.

Here is the worse part:

1. The people judging you are almost always OTHER MOTHERS.

I don't think I've ever had a man ask me who was taking care of my child.

I don't think I've ever had a man ask me when I would be "returning" to work after the baby arrived.

I don't think I've ever had a man assume that I would be available IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORK DAY to transport my child to some appointment. IT'S WEDNESDAY MORNING! I AM WORKING!


2. The person who judges you most harshly is YOURSELF.

Yes, it's still you, Xo.

That's why I decided to be a Selfish Mommy.

It took less than a month of motherhood to make this decision.

I tried to do it all, even though I knew I couldn't.

It was physically impossible for me to live up to everyone's expectations of how I should parent my child.

It started even before a nurse was grabbing my boob to get the milk out, despite the fact that the hospital provided formula bottles on demand. I thought it would stop once the kid grew out of societally-acceptable breastfeeding age, but it hasn't. There aren't strange women squeezing my boob anymore, but there are annoying presumptions about what I need to do for my child.

There is an expectation that, as a mother, you are supposed to be completely delighted about spending time with your children as much as possible.

Being a mom should fulfill you in unimaginable ways.

Being a wife, if you are one, should fill you with happiness and gratefulness that you finally found someone.

And since you are so thankful that you have these people in your life, you need to give them all of your time and energy and brain space, and you should be happy to do it, because if you don't, there's some other woman out there who would be glad to take your place.

No.

" 'You're a bad mother if you do anything that makes you happy.' 

...And that messaging will drive somebody crazy."

What about you?

What do you want?

How can you take care of you?

Put your safety mask on first.

You can't help anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first.

As a Selfish Mommy, I live by this statement: "When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So do you, boo.

Jane knows what's up.

Dreamers, how can you be more selfish with your time and energy?

Do you know Mommy who should be more Selfish? Send her over here! I can give her permission to be a Selfish Mommy.

Share your questions and answers in the comments, or email me at iHaveADreamBoard@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading!